The saddest thing
that i ever did see,
was a woodpecker peckin’
on a plastic tree.
He looks at me
and “friend” says he
“Things ain’t as sweet
as they used to be”. – Shel Silverstein
Shel Silverstein got many things right but in this case he was wrong. Sad woodpeckers have nothing on old biographies nobody loves anymore. Recently I went through them to find the books that haven’t been checked out in at least four years (I actually found one that hadn’t gone out since 1991, I kid you not). In my travels I stumbled across a couple egregiously old bios. Here then is an amusing summary of some of the books we’ve had to bid a tearful goodbye to this year.
Charles and Diana: The Tenth Anniversary by Brian Hoey
So it’s been 10 years since those crazy kids got married. How’s that marriage doing, huh? Turns out, it’s great! No problems here! La de da de da!
Accidental Millionaire: The Rise and Fall of Steve Jobs at Apple Computer by Lee Butcher
To put this in a little context, this book was published in 1987. And boy do you feel sorry for that Steve Jobs guy. He just seemed so promising, y’know? Bummer about his career crashing and burning like that.
Johnnie Cochran: A Lawyer’s Life by Johnnie Cochran
Recently the O.J. Simpson mini-series American Crime Story swept the Emmys, full force. When it was up and running I figured I’d put up a little O.J. display for folks who just couldn’t get enough of the nostalgia. So I found every single title I could and put them up. Nothing moved. I’m talking nothing. And so it was with a heavy heart we bid adieu to Johnnie Cochran.
The Other Woman: My Years with O.J. Simpson, A Story of Love, Trust, and Betrayal by Paula Barbieri
It is with a slightly less heavy heart that bid goodbye to O.J.’s girlfriend. Did you know she had a bio? You know who else didn’t know? America.
Hulk Hogan: My Life Outside the Ring with Mark Dagostino
Gladiator: A True Story of ‘Roids, Rage, and Redemption by Dan Clark a.k.a. Nitro
As opposed to beloved Nitro. Nitro! Remember Nitro? He was everybody’s favorite American Gladiator. He was so famous he “wrote” his own bio. Nitro, be bid you a very fond farewell. Nobody could wield those big puffy foam thingies like you, my friend.
No Mountain High Enough: Raising Lance, Raising Me by Linda Armstrong Kelly
For the record, Lance Armstrong’s early bios where he talks at length about how fantastic he is and how he completely put to rest those rumors about performance enhancing drugs . . . those haven’t really been checked out of the library lately either. But I kind of felt bad that his mom wrote a bio. She seems like a nice person.
Like these? Then be sure read Awful Library Books for more of the same.